How to transition to your empty nest
Starting our family comes with so much excitement, anticipation and hope. The early years are challenging as your children are completely dependent on you, and you balance time for yourself and time for your family. As your child grows, the challenge shifts from a less physical dependency to a more emotional ones, as your child becomes more and more independent and transitions from child, to teen, to adult.
And before you know it, time seems to have just whizzed by, and your tiny baby is now ready to go off to college, and begin life on their own.
Most parents are thrilled at the thought that their child is now ready to be on their own, and to take that first step to follow their own dreams. The ending of high school also comes with a sense of achievement on a job well done. It is no wonder, that many parents are unprepared for the onslaught of emotions with this major family transition. It is common to feel unprepared for the intense feelings of sadness (many parents say they even feel physical pain when the separation first happens, and it is unlike anything they have felt before.)
I felt the same way when my one and only son went away to university.
What we don’t realize is that our children usually reflect the best in ourselves and our spouses, and we are drawn to them and share a bond we will never share with anyone else. Our physical and emotional connections are so strong, and if we do not prepare ourselves for this transition, it can become slower, and even more painful to recover from.
But how does one let go and move on, when they are saying good-bye to someone that has brought so much joy and happiness into their home?
- Prepare Yourself and Your Family – you have to be aware of how you are feeling, and how the rest of the family is feeling too. It is a time of delicate balance where you give each other space to be honest with themselves, and you must be honest with yourself too. In my case, what really helped was to remember what it felt like when I first went off to college. It allowed me to view the experience from my son’s eyes, and to realize that for him, while it was sad, it was also exciting, scary, and new.
- Build New Ways to Connect – The physical connection may be lost, as your child now lives in another place, sometimes a plane ride away. But, the emotional bonds remain. The question is how to build a new normal that works for your family. I have heard parents say things like “ we promised to stay connected with Facetime, and we would see each other every 2-3 months”. Others form a new group chat, so they can connect when needed, while others, talk on a regular basis. One lesson that was important for us to learn when my son went away, was striking that balance between him becoming physically and emotionally independent, but knowing that help and support would always be available when needed. The key change is in who asks for help. When your children live with you, as parents, we tend to give help even when it is not asked for. It is part of our nature. Now, however, we must all respect that help is only given, when it is asked for.
- Give yourself the time – Don’t rush this. People have different timelines for this. Some people bounce back right away, others need a slower pace. The key is to spend time with yourself and find what works for you. You will have to balance it with your spouse’s timelines too, but, as long as you keep communication lines open during this time, you can surely give each other the time and space you both need.
- Begin to look forward – In time, instead of seeing what you lost, you will start to see what you are gaining. For many parents, the initial feeling of not being needed at home, will slowly be replaced with the freedom to follow paths you could not follow when your family needed you each and every day. Fathers and Working Parents usually find this easier, as work creates a distraction and forces you to focus your energies there. However, just because your time is used up by work does not mean you have made the transition well. Sometimes, it creates denial and you end up bottling in feelings that should otherwise be dealt with. In either case, ask yourself what now becomes possible now that a chunk of your time and energy does not need to be devoted to raising your children? What are those things you used to wish you had more time for in the past?
- Give Yourself some Long-Term Perspective – Another key component of looking forward is asking yourself what kind of relationship you want to have with your adult children when they are grown – say 10 to 15 years from now. Similar to how the shift in perspective allowed me to remember what it felt like to go away to university before, this question allows you to realize several things about your future (1) That these feelings, though intense, are a small part of your total relationship with your child. And that perspective enables you to understand that in the grand scheme of things, this too shall pass (2) What is the relationship you want with your adult child, and what will you do today, to make that happen? This is a very powerful question because as parents during this difficult transition period, it is tempting to give in to our short term instinct to put our needs ahead of our child’s. When we are sad, it is easy to overwhelm our child and force our way into his new world. But, if we ask ourselves what the long term ideal is, most parents want to continue a great relationship with their children even when they are grown adults. It is only then that a lightbulb moment occurs and you find the strength to put the needs of your child above yours. In my case, I want our relationship to be one where “my son chooses to be with me, not out of parental obligation, but out of a genuine desire to be with someone he likes and whose company he enjoys”. That’s been the guiding ideal for how I deal with this difficult and painful transition.
Though the feelings are intense, in time, they will fade. You will come to a new normal, and it will start to feel right. As you continue to say YES to so many possibilities, you will begin to glimpse the joys of what an adult relationship with your child is like – one between two independent adults, who support each other, know that unconditional love exists, and each has the freedom to chart their own paths to happiness and success while sharing the ups and downs with someone they trust, and genuinely like!